Things That Piss Me Off

This page was originally dedicated 100% to Things That Piss Me Off, hence the title.  Unfortunately, and this really fucking pissed me off, I accidently deleted the entire thing while ranting about Skinny Jeans and Fat ass people who wear them.  Then, after the catastophic deletion, this stupid WordPress site auto-saved the blank page and boned me.  I’m furious.

Recently, I’ve taken some flak for recognizing the problems in the world, and proceeding to not offer any solutions.  Well, let me respond by saying this, “Uhm…fuck you?”  I’ve never claimed that I know how to solve problems; in fact, the only claim I have made is that there has to be someone on this planet who has the brain capability to solve them.  NOT that I have that brain capability.  Let me reiterate that for those who have selective eyesight, I do NOT have the brain capability to solve the problems.  My gift, some might argue it isn’t a gift, is finding what needs to be fixed and crying like a sniveling Narwhal about them while constantly playing the victim card.

That said, I have decided that on all of my rants I WILL offer a solution.  If you don’t like it, think up your own.

8/23/11 PETA

PETA or People Eager To Act like total douche bags is at it again.  I hate PETA, but before I scrutinize their every move, I’d like to present my bias.  Since my childhood, I’ve been an avid Animal enthusiast.  Having grown up on a farm, on which we had a variety of different creatures living, it was fairly inevitable.  Now, I get annoyed when people say “I own a/n [insert random animal]”.  Not enough to ever flame someone for being some creepy oppresive animal slave-driver, but enough to notice when people say it.  Also, I cannot kill bugs.  For some reason, I imagine a massive hand falling from the sky, crushing me everytime I debate smashing an innocent spider who’s simply lost in my bathroom.  So, I capture them in glasses and place them outside.

Furthermore, I, like PETA, am disgusted with poultry and livestock industries because they are inhumane and disturbing.  However, as someone who isn’t slaughtering my own food, I feel like while I can frown upon the industry, I cannot necessarily crucify the proponents of it.  After all, I’ve heard it is much easier to take the life of an animal that one hasn’t shared a bond with than an animal who has been treated as a member of the family.

PETA goes too far.  PETA is a group comprised [get ready for a sweeping generalization] of uncompromising assholes.  Ego-Activists who make their quest more about their Clipboard activism and bold stance than about creating a RESPECTABLE organization who works WITH other organizations to find a solution.  They’re another stupid ass group clogging up the political scene with radical activism whom 80% of the population despises.  Nobody likes the one crazy, uncompromising douche who refuses to listen to any philosophy but their own [I’m aware that I could potentially fall into this category].  I feel like PETA is the fucking Tea Party of the animal world.  Everyone, except those who ride the bandwagon of ego-activism, despises these groups because they refuse to be progressive in any way, shape, or form.  Seriously, what the fuck?  Lettuce Bras?  Are you fucking kidding me?  First off, any dumbass vegetarian who makes the claim that they are vegetarian so they don’t ‘kill’ is a fucking imbecile.  Not to mention, the vegetables you’re eating, 90% of which are grown on monocropped farms, fuck up the environment just as much as cow farts.  Oh, and your precious vegetable growers who genetically modify your food to be immune to natural disease/drought so they are able to monocrop?  Must be really swell people.  Yeah, way to go jackasses.  Go read The Secret Life of Plants and then tell me you aren’t killing things by eating vegetables you hypocritical retards.  <– Call the politically correct police on me, or go look up the term Ritardando and realize that it’s a real, correct, term.

Why am I in such a rage about PETA, seemingly out of the blue?  Well, I recently discovered that PETA is launching a triple-X website [AKA: Pornography] that will feature ‘Graphic images of animals’.  Okay, I’ve finally figured it out.  Every member of PETA pracitices Bestiality and cannot accept that the horse they blew last weekend for a tasty vanilla shake might end up in my Carl’s Jr. Hamburger next week.  Yuuuum.  We both appreciate animalistic sacrifice, while you pin your dog to the bed and slobber all over its 8 inch cock, I eat protein so that my brain functions; ultimately, this allows me to form real opinions of real facts instead of jumping on the ‘Free Animals’ bandwagon.  Woohoo.  Fuck PETA.  Not to mention, Pornography is an industry of extreme oppression and patriarchy, if we really want to go there.

Oh, I almost forgot.  I’m supposed to offer a solution.  Solution: Stop fucking animals, learn that you need protein for brain development, and GET OVER IT.

8/15/11 Fat People

I mentioned that I had typed up a huge list of why fat people pissed me off, when it was magically deleted, and I can’t let go.  Without further ado, I bring to you, why fat people piss me off.

I know weight is always a touchy subject, I don’t care, so I will preface this by writing that if you have some genetic condition that makes you overweight, other than being genetically a lazy fucker, this is not about you.

I’m 20, and not a rich little bitch.  Therefore, I don’t have a car.  Therefore, I sometimes take the Greyhound (not anymore, AMtrak is way better).  Therefore, I sometimes get stuck next to some 300 pound woman whose fat is cascading, like the fucking Niagara falls, over my armrest onto my seat.  Wait, not my seat, ME.  If you’re 300 pounds and you sit next to me, fuck you.  Airlines have finally forced you to purchase two seats: one for you, and one for the human-being inside of you.  Does this not seriously damage your pide?  Seriously, if you don’t have the motivation to get on a fucking treadmill after having to buy two seats for your fat ass, I really despise you.  Hey, if you want to be fat, that’s fine with me.  Just don’t leave your house, use any public transportation, or get in anyone’s way.  Except, that’s impossible BECAUSE YOU’RE THE SIZE OF THREE PEOPLE.  I had to morph into a wall the other day just to let some wheezing behemoth by me in the hallway.   It’s vile.

Wait, it gets worse.  As if just being a fat bastard isn’t enough, some of these assholes wear clothes that don’t fit.  Oh my god.  Nobody should wear skinny jeans, the dudes who do it are just trying to frame their miniscule penises, and the ladies?  I don’t even know.  Women who wear tights, let me tell you: don’t.  No guy worth your while is interested in looking at your vile Camel Toe.  Furthermore, if you’re even slightly over-weight you form the flat tire.  Gross.  Hey, if you’re a fat fuck and comfortable with your body, that’s great.  I’m really jazzed that you are comfortable with who you are.  Here’s the problem, I’m not comfortable with who you are.  I have eyes, 20/20 vision even, and it isn’t possible to look away when you’re triple wide, with camel toe, and an ass that looks like it could eat me – without chewing.

Don’t get this twisted, I’m not saying I’m a great sight.  I have zero fashion sense, imperfect skin, and small Moobs.  But here’s the deal: I wear clothes that fit to try and minimize your disgust.  Do me a fucking favor:  Get on a treadmill for a year, wear clothes that fit, and don’t sit next to me.  This is my solution: Stop eating, Excercise, buy Clothes, and wear them, that fit.

Love, Patrick


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